Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Balance

By Camile Jene

I still remember losing my grandmother when I was 11. I was no stranger to funerals. I have an older family so by that point I had already been to 6 funerals. But this one was different. Gommie was my best friend. 

Profound grief.

Sadness overtook me. I cried so many tears and I let myself feel everything. I grieved how my mind knew how to at that young age. I think it helped me that I helped take care of her on her death bed. I helped bathe her, dress her, comb her hair, and I was able to see her in so much pain and honestly exhausted and ready to be free. So, though it hurt, I understood.

And fond memories help too. I still remember shopping with her on Wednesdays at this factory she would buy wholesale clothing from (and resale to her friends. She operated a “clothing store” from her garage). We’d finish up her purchases Thrifty’s (known now as RiteAid) to get her prescription and for a scoop of ice cream. She usually got strawberry. I got some off-the-wall flavor like confetti-bubble gum. 

When she got sick, I remember telling her I loved her every chance I could. I didn’t know what else to say. We could no longer chat like usual. And though she couldn’t say much, she would respond, “I love you, Camile.”

I will always miss her. 

I’ve written about grief before. When my mother first died, I was devastated and lost. Well… lost is an understatement. She passed away unexpectedly, and she died just 7 days before my son was born. Imagine losing your mother on Saturday and the very next Saturday you give birth to the son she was just as excited about! Yes, that pain was deep.

Profound grief.

I remember the strong suit my mother attempted to wear when she lost her mother. She tried to hold her tears and sadness so we couldn’t see her pain. She wanted to protect us but she needed to grieve and soon enough, she could no longer hold back and when she gave in to the grief, the floodgates opened. For many months she would just cry and cry. All the time… I remember her crying so much I thought, “Is Mommy broken?” I wondered if she would ever feel better. 

When I lost my mom, I understood her grief. Yes, I had a broken heart over losing Gommie but my mother’s heart shattered at the loss. As much as my grandmother was my best friend in the way a granddaughter looks up to her grandmother, she was my mom’s best friend, safe space, advocate, and so much more. And in addition to losing my mother, she lost her first true love in the same few weeks for the second time (a failed reuniting). Double heartbreak. A person can only take so much at a time.

Profound grief.

Mommy was my best friend. No one will ever love me as she did. No one will fight for and advocate for me as she did. 

When she passed, I let myself feel. Just like I was 11-year-old Camile. I cried so many tears. I didn’t shy away from any feeling that came up whether it be anger, regret, sadness, or defeat.

Three years out and I can say I am okay. No, life will never be the same but I’m at peace. I allowed myself to truly tap into the profound loss of my mom. I went to grief therapy and I did my best not to get lost or hide. 

 I will always miss her. 

As I see people around me losing loved ones, I want to encourage you to feel all your feelings. Cry, scream, rage, write, journal, go to therapy, shop, recognize patterns you want to eliminate, evaluate your life and how you’ll live even greater than before in remembrance of your loved one. Do not let this turn into an unhealthy infatuation with carrying on their legacy or projects though. You will need to find your sweet spot and then establish self-boundaries. 

Do all the things that will help you not get stuck in grieving your loved one in an unhealthy way. When you suffer a deep loss, it takes steps to overcome the profound grief. Take those steps. Immerse yourself in the process instead of stuffing down your grief. This will not help you. You do not want the mention of your loved one to trigger you for the rest of your life. You do not honor them by maintaining life as a walking corpse. Continuously re-memorializing them and living in an unshakable and perpetual state of sadness and depression will never bring them honor. If they lived a life that made you proud, in turn, live a life that will make them even prouder. If their story was still in the making and you feel their life cut too short, use their inspiration to further their legacy, vision, or work. 

Let the rest of your life be an addition to the life they lived. 

*Disclaimer: this is not directed toward parents losing a child. That type of grief if not one I have experience with. I cannot and would not direct someone on how to navigate that pain

1. The love from a dedicated and committed spouse that truly sees you, is invested in honoring you, and puts you before them will cause you both to soar in ways unexpected.  When you give completely of yourself, your spouse will do the same.  No need to worry if you’ll be taken care of.  
2. People are watching. They may never say a word. Some are judging you and waiting for you to fail. Many are cheering you on. Some are using your example to model or as a what not to do guide for their own marriage or future marriage. 
3. What other people think does not matter. It is you two.
4. Loving your spouse how they receive love is crucial to the survival and overall health of your marriage.
5. Happy wife does in fact make a happy life. When the wife has joy and is fulfilled, the home runs more smoothly. The kids and the husband bask in that joy and peace she creates because she is at peace. But the husband is not responsible for this happiness. He can and should add to it. Spouses should add to each other’s happiness. But neither should lose themselves.
6. Both spouses need to be fulfilled individually. Hobbies, trips, alone time –each needs to factor that in because life is hard and we need breaks from everyone, even our beloved.
7. When a million things come at you all at the same time, you must look to God and keep your eye on your spouse. Both of you cannot drown. You will take turns being the “strong” one.
8. The perfect marriage for you and your spouse is created by investing in one another. The kids do not come before the marriage. Date nights where you turn distractions off and tune in to one another are essential.  
9. The way your spouse experiences can for them feel different than what you intend. You can truly think you’re giving your all but if that’s not how your spouse sees it or can receive it, conflict and resentment can arise. Checking in to discuss how your spouse is feeling tended to by you are important.
10. People change, dynamics change but the vows you took never change. The commitment expectation does not either.

By Camile Jené

Yesterday, I woke up to fatigue. No, not your regular just dragging that coffee can fix. The overtired feeling that does not get quenched by a regular night of sleep. Yes, that! Pure exhaustion. I felt like I needed a nap. All. Day!

But that’s a dream for empty nesters. As a mother of young children, there’s no all-day naps unless on a personal, kid free vacation or a planned weekend at Grandmother’s. So, I had to break out my supermom ninja tricks in order to brave the day because children do not take time off.

Mom hack number 1: Yes-spaces. 

Yes-spaces are essential to a mom’s peace. These spaces are available for your child to roam freely without having to worry about them getting hurt by chemicals or dangerous object, and staying out of your no-no items. If you like, you can sit back, relax and even rest your eyes for a second but the point is you do not have to worry about danger or having to move things. The sockets are covered, entrances are child proofed as well, and there are enough toys and non-breakables to keep your child entertained without you having to constantly hover. Yes, to yes-spaces. 

For years I didn’t have a yes space and the stress of not having things properly locked down wore on me in a way I hadn’t even realized. The relief that a yes-space offers is priceless.

Mornings can be pretty exciting and a bit hectic. This hack saves the time of a sit-down breakfast but your car will not thank you for this mom hack. But I’d rather and unhappy car than hangry children any day.

Mom hack number 2: Portable breakfast

• baked oatmeal (I recently got the tip to put these in a muffin tin! It’s even better than baking a large pan and cutting into bars. And less crumbs)
• Pigs in a blanket
• Breakfast sandwich with eggs, cheese and bacon
• Waffles (folded like a sand which. Hold the syrup)

These work for us. We pair one of the options above with a piece of fruit or a yogurt smoothie. 

Food is important in our home as my next tip also has to do with food. Time to educatie the children, run successful businesses, and relax (it’s essential for productivity), is also important. Time management and dispersing my energy wisely is essential.

Mom hack number 3: Cook once per day

This has saved me on those days where I’m too tired at the end of the day. Too many times we have eaten fast food instead of a home cooked meal because I needed something quick. 

Cooking dinner either completely or the main dish while I cook breakfast or lunch has helped me ensure that my kids get a healthy meal at dinner time. 

If you prepare lunches at night or before work, you can start something in your crock pot right before you get started. Anything to maximize time at the end of the day is helpful. 

Those 3 hacks have saved me sanity and time each week for years.

Whether you incorporate these or other mom-hacks such as meal-prep or chore charts, implement ideas that will help your home work for you.