Grieve Your Way

By Camile Jene

I still remember losing my grandmother when I was 11. I was no stranger to funerals. I have an older family so by that point I had already been to 6 funerals. But this one was different. Gommie was my best friend. 

Profound grief.

Sadness overtook me. I cried so many tears and I let myself feel everything. I grieved how my mind knew how to at that young age. I think it helped me that I helped take care of her on her death bed. I helped bathe her, dress her, comb her hair, and I was able to see her in so much pain and honestly exhausted and ready to be free. So, though it hurt, I understood.

And fond memories help too. I still remember shopping with her on Wednesdays at this factory she would buy wholesale clothing from (and resale to her friends. She operated a “clothing store” from her garage). We’d finish up her purchases Thrifty’s (known now as RiteAid) to get her prescription and for a scoop of ice cream. She usually got strawberry. I got some off-the-wall flavor like confetti-bubble gum. 

When she got sick, I remember telling her I loved her every chance I could. I didn’t know what else to say. We could no longer chat like usual. And though she couldn’t say much, she would respond, “I love you, Camile.”

I will always miss her. 

I’ve written about grief before. When my mother first died, I was devastated and lost. Well… lost is an understatement. She passed away unexpectedly, and she died just 7 days before my son was born. Imagine losing your mother on Saturday and the very next Saturday you give birth to the son she was just as excited about! Yes, that pain was deep.

Profound grief.

I remember the strong suit my mother attempted to wear when she lost her mother. She tried to hold her tears and sadness so we couldn’t see her pain. She wanted to protect us but she needed to grieve and soon enough, she could no longer hold back and when she gave in to the grief, the floodgates opened. For many months she would just cry and cry. All the time… I remember her crying so much I thought, “Is Mommy broken?” I wondered if she would ever feel better. 

When I lost my mom, I understood her grief. Yes, I had a broken heart over losing Gommie but my mother’s heart shattered at the loss. As much as my grandmother was my best friend in the way a granddaughter looks up to her grandmother, she was my mom’s best friend, safe space, advocate, and so much more. And in addition to losing my mother, she lost her first true love in the same few weeks for the second time (a failed reuniting). Double heartbreak. A person can only take so much at a time.

Profound grief.

Mommy was my best friend. No one will ever love me as she did. No one will fight for and advocate for me as she did. 

When she passed, I let myself feel. Just like I was 11-year-old Camile. I cried so many tears. I didn’t shy away from any feeling that came up whether it be anger, regret, sadness, or defeat.

Three years out and I can say I am okay. No, life will never be the same but I’m at peace. I allowed myself to truly tap into the profound loss of my mom. I went to grief therapy and I did my best not to get lost or hide. 

 I will always miss her. 

As I see people around me losing loved ones, I want to encourage you to feel all your feelings. Cry, scream, rage, write, journal, go to therapy, shop, recognize patterns you want to eliminate, evaluate your life and how you’ll live even greater than before in remembrance of your loved one. Do not let this turn into an unhealthy infatuation with carrying on their legacy or projects though. You will need to find your sweet spot and then establish self-boundaries. 

Do all the things that will help you not get stuck in grieving your loved one in an unhealthy way. When you suffer a deep loss, it takes steps to overcome the profound grief. Take those steps. Immerse yourself in the process instead of stuffing down your grief. This will not help you. You do not want the mention of your loved one to trigger you for the rest of your life. You do not honor them by maintaining life as a walking corpse. Continuously re-memorializing them and living in an unshakable and perpetual state of sadness and depression will never bring them honor. If they lived a life that made you proud, in turn, live a life that will make them even prouder. If their story was still in the making and you feel their life cut too short, use their inspiration to further their legacy, vision, or work. 

Let the rest of your life be an addition to the life they lived. 

*Disclaimer: this is not directed toward parents losing a child. That type of grief if not one I have experience with. I cannot and would not direct someone on how to navigate that pain